Part Two: Cast Adrift

Only a moment ago I was hunched over my keyboard, eyelids heavy, yet now I find myself cast adrift onto a virtual expanse of ones and zeros as countless as the stars in a thousand galaxies. What now? My raft seems unsteady as its rise and fall antagonises the scrapes and splinters of my shins, as though it might come apart at any moment and release me into the unending oblivion of the digital depths below. And yet, perhaps I’m actually in better shape than I thought. I mean, as first posts go, that last one wasn’t half bad… you know, for something I spontaneously pulled out of my brain (and heart, and soul) as I hastily threw this blog together because I had no other choice. More of an actual workout than a mere exercise – actually moving some weights around and grunting and straining, not the boredom ad infinitum of steady state treadmill cardio. Is this raft that unstable? As I look closer, the logs seem sturdier, the vines secure. Maybe, just maybe, I might get out of this in one piece.

This does not change the fact, however, that in the blogosphere I am but an anonymous spec among countless others, just one pinprick dimly twinkling in the night sky’s sea: how can I possibly shine brighter than any of the others, and draw the gaze of observers? More importantly, do I really want to shine brighter? Do I really need that attention? Do I actually have any desire at all for people to read my words and judge what I have to say – and therefore, by extension, judge me? You know, now that I think about it, I’m actually feeling pretty good about where I am. This raft is sturdy and secure, not perfect by any means, but now that I stop to really take a look around, it’s certainly large enough to spread out on and have a kip. And you know, these logs aren’t too bad once you get used to them. The seas are calm right now, and the sun is warming but by no means scorching. Yes indeed, the more I think about it, the more I could get used to this. Kick back, relax, and enjoy the steady rhythm of the raft’s undulations. I can express myself and find my voice just fine like this. Right? Right?

Oh yeah, I forgot… I’m just talking to myself out here. Is there even any point asking questions when I know I’m not going to get an answer? Was that a rhetorical question, or are we now straying into the meta-rhetorical? You know what, it doesn’t even matter. The important thing is, as much as this whole experience was anxiety-inducing to say the least to begin with, I find myself feeling more and more comfortable by the second. Why put myself under unnecessary stress? I don’t need this drama in my life, not when I already have my psyche to contend with! Yep, I’ve decided, this is perfect and I’m staying right where I am. Where it’s safe. Relatively speaking, of course.

Hey, check it out! A seagull. Well, not a seagull as there’s no such thing, they’re just commonly known as seagulls because they tend to be found along the coast. A gull. Soaring effortlessly on whatever breeze is up there. Man, wouldn’t that be nice. Aloft on the breeze, wings outstretched, surveying the expanse of the ocean like I was the lord of all creation. It’s coming closer, it’ll be overhead soon. It probably doesn’t know what to make of me… but I guess as long as it doesn’t think I’m a fish, it’s all good! I think I’m just going to lie back and imagine being this gull. What a life that would be.

Hang on, something else has caught my eye now. There’s something red floating on the water. Quite far away still, I can barely make it out… a case of some sort, perhaps? It’s the first thing I’ve seen that isn’t part of nature – well, I mean, everything is part of nature given that humans are part of nature and so everything we make is part of nature too, but let’s not stray too far into philosophical territory when there’s a mysterious object to investigate. I think if I lie down and use my hands to… yep, that’s working, this raft is definitely moving closer. I can see it more clearly now, it’s definitely some sort of rectangular container, but its topside is glinting in the sun, it looks like it might be made of glass. Very curious. Won’t be long now before it’s in my reach.

Okay, so I’m just alongside it, let’s pull it out of the water and see what we’ve got. It’s a wooden red case with a glass front and there’s a little hammer clipped to the side. There’s a flare gun inside, and a message emblazoned on the front in big red letters.

Son of a bitch. Seriously, I can’t even have five minutes of the easy life? Now I have to make choices that have, like, consequences and shit? Ah, you know what, I can fire this flare gun and it won’t make any difference. This ocean is so vast, no one will even see it. Except… the waters are definitely getting choppier right now, but the wind isn’t picking up. What’s going on?

Whoa, that is the most gigantic ship I’ve ever seen! Its wake is rocking my raft even though it’s still really far away, and I can just make out the name of this vast vessel… the MZS Facebook. Hmmm, well I know what the “M” and “Z” stand for, what about the “S”? I’m going to go with sociopath. But let’s not get sidetracked. The point is, there’s a massive ship over there, full of strangers and a few people I know as well. Some are my closest friends, others are people I’m just getting to know, more still are people I used to know but have lost contact with over the years. If I fire this flare gun, any of them could see it. In fact, it’s almost certain that some of them will.

Wait, hang on, what am I doing? Why did I just smash the glass? I’m not even that comfortable! And yet the flare gun is in my hand. So what are we saying here? I can’t have even one whole day deluding myself that writing one post on one anonymous blog I just created that no one will ever see unless I promote it constitutes putting myself out there? Is that what we’re saying? Not even one day? Well, I guess I have spent enough days… weeks… months… years deluding myself about a whole host of things. No time to waste, it seems. Not even one day. It was time to pull the trigger long before the gun was in my hand.

Ready.

Fire.

Aim.